Sunday, April 1, 2012

Make Money Online

I know I normally write fiction and poetry on this blog but today I'm going to branch out for no particular reason* and talk about how to make money online.  My extensive research**shows that each of these methods is very solid but your mileage with each may vary.

Since this is a blog we will start off by focusing on the world of blogs.  We will start off by discussing methods that will turn your blog into a money making machine.

1) Make your post titles blend into the crowd.  See my title for this post?  It is almost perfect.  It doesn't stand out in any way at all.  That is your goal.  That means someone might accidentally wander into your blog looking for someone else.  Remember, their mistake is your opportunity.  Embrace your inner sheep and enjoy your new traffic.

2) Make your blog's layout confusing.  Your blog should be as hard to navigate as possible.  Think of your design as a well crafted maze.  Once you trick a viewer into your site make it incredibly hard for them to leave.  Use pop ups that create clones of your own sites.  Guilt them into staying.  Have your "content" so well hidden that the very sight of your blog makes them want to cry.  Once you get them to your point you have broken them.  That means you won.

3) Use lots of advertisements.  Ads get you money.  Money should always be your driving goal at all times.  Never forget that.  The more ads you have the more money you might get.  Make sure you maintain the 1 to 5 ratio at all times.  For every post you create that actually has content make sure you have at least 5 ads backing it up.  If you don't maintain this ratio your trapped viewers might get the wrong idea about you.  It will make them lose their respect for you.  Remember, it is better to blog via fear than love.

4) Don't make numbered lists.  Everyone hates them.

5) Avoid original content.  Why create something when you can just steal it?  Those people weren't using that content anyway.  If someone threatens you with legal action you should threaten them with the same.  The two cancel out.  Most people don't realize that fact.

6) If you feel part of your true voice creeping into the blog slap yourself.  Do it hard.  You must fortitude yourself.  Every bit of your true self that you put into the blog will let the internet gremlins steal your soul easier.  Forget that at your own peril.

7) Leave pointless comments on other blogs.  Never post anything more than "Good job!", "Great post!", "Interesting Read" or something similar.  Never truly engage.  You need to play hard to get.  Your comment should be the equivalent of "Hey Girl, I guess your ass looks ok in those jeans" with as few words as possible.  If you are wooing a particularly popular blog your comment should be "Ok" and nothing more.  That way they know their fame doesn't impress you.  This will make them become intrigued with you.

8) Post every 15 minutes on twitter.  Remember, you are a puppy.  If you don't have constant attention you will surely die.  To make sure this doesn't happen hit up twitter all the time and make sure your tweet is as short as possible.  When in doubt use the following suggestion "Post = [Link goes here]".  This cuts right to the chase and lets you trap more people in your blog.

9) Go to as many forums as possible and act like a jerk.  This is the equivalent of wearing the proper colors in a gang war.  You will become beloved by everyone.  After you are the most popular person on each forum constantly spam it with links back to your blog.  This will make everyone respect you even more.

10) Don't let anyone comment on your blog.  Their pleas for help will only drag down the brilliance that you steal every day.

What if you don't have a blog?  How else can you make money?***

11) Sell treasures on Ebay.  Steal stuff and sell it on Ebay. If you move around a lot nothing can go wrong with this plan.  The authorities don't understand how the internet works so you'll be fine.

12) Sell human waste on Craig's List.  People always need urine.  Drug tests happen all the time.  Sell your urine**** and a hefty profit can be yours.  It is totally legal and the authorities don't understand how urine works anyway so you'll be fine.

13) Pretend to be a woman in a MMO.  Say "sexy things" and dance around as naked as the game allows you.  World of Warcraft and Age of Conan are prime targets.  Convince the lonely nerds to give you in game treasures.  Continue the charade until they are sending you real gifts.  Sell thew gifts for cash on Ebay.  NEVER drop character.  If you are ever forced to meet outside the game get some good makeup and a dress.  Remember, NEVER drop character.*****

14) Pyramid schemes.  Web space is cheap.  Just keep making more schemes until some start to pan out.  Always put yourself a few spaces down the Pyramid so people don't get suspicious.  When in doubt make up miracle drugs and "plans that will change your life" that bore into egos.

15) Listen to everything you read online.  If someone says it online it must be completely true.  Everyone knows that the Internet Standards Group (ISG) strictly enforces every word ever put into digital format.  Don't be foolish and think something you read is false.  You will just look like an idiot and everyone will make fun of you.

* = Did you know the first mention of April Fool's Day goes back to Chaucer in the Canterbury tales?  That means it is at least 620 years ago.  Really let that idea sink in.  Crazy huh?  We humans are silly little creatures.  I love it.

** = Source Missing

*** = Beyond actually engaging in the world outside of the internet.

**** = This does not work as well if you are on drugs.  However, if you still want to be involved in the exciting world of urine selling I might know a guy.  Middle men are always handy.

***** = This only works if you are male.  A real female gamer will confuse the male gamer.  She will often not fit the stereotypes he has created for women.  This means he will think the female gamer is not actually a woman because she does not fit into his skewed viewpoint.  A male with the same incorrect assumptions will thus have a much better chance of pulling off the con.

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